On September 5th, 1993 we were married in Johannesburg, South Africa.
It has indeed been a sweet sixteen!
Friday, September 04, 2009
Monday, August 17, 2009
PACT ...
While we were still living in London, my friend Paula asked me if she could give a friend of hers my email address. She spoke about a family of three who had also arrived in the UK from South Africa. Paula wanted DDTF to look at the husband’s resume to see if he could introduce him to people who could assist with finding work.
I received the resume and responded to the wife explaining to her that I was about to leave for a week’s vacation in South Africa and immediately on my return I was going in for knee surgery. I told her that once I was back on my feet, I would get in contact as we should meet. She replied to me saying that she was in fact also going “home” to South Africa as she too was undergoing knee surgery. Hers was more complicated than mine and as they were so new to the UK, it would be easier for her to recuperate in South Africa where her family could assist with taking care of her baby son. We went on to exchange one or two more emails but never got around to meeting.
Some months later I was invited to a mutual friend of mine and Paula’s for tea one Saturday afternoon. I have mentioned before that Paula was like my publicist in London. All the friends I made there I met through her. While standing in the kitchen chatting to some of the other women there, I got speaking to Lauren. After a short while, I realized that this was the person I had exchanged emails with those many months ago. Once we established who each of us were, discussed our knee surgery experiences and sat down to tea, the connection was instant. We exchanged phone numbers and promised to speak to each other soon.
The Monday following the tea party I called her and in the good humor that we share, I told her that I know it sounded insane, but I was so excited about having met her, that I felt like I wanted to date her! She agreed. We laughed and spoke, and the rest as they say, is history.
It was just about a year later that we left the UK for the States. By the time we departed, Lauren and I had gone on to secure a wonderful friendship even though it had only been for a year. We went back to London after a year in the States for a short visit, and that was the last time we saw each other. In spite of the time and distance, our friendship has continued to grow. Our contact has gone in phases. Sometimes weeks can go by and we don’t speak to each other or exchange an email. It doesn’t matter. Whenever we do speak or email, we carry on where we left off as if no time has passed.
When we left London, Lauren and I made a pact. I do not recall how this came to be or why other than out of our mutual love for the Beatles, particularly John Lennon. The pact we made was that I would not visit Strawberry Fields without her.
The news of her visit came as a complete surprise about three months ago. Unbeknown to me, she had been texting with DDTF to try and plan the arrival as a complete surprise to me. They decided it would be easier if I knew about it. This did not detract from the surprise. I was overjoyed to learn that Lauren her husband, Craig and the now three kids, would all be visiting in August.
I mentioned this to another friend of mine here when visiting for dinner one night. When we got to my friend Merle’s house, I noticed a photograph her daughter had taken of a friend of hers. She had taken this picture of her friend on the beach and was now giving it to her as a gift. It was a great shot of her friend jumping in the air and she timed it so that she captured the moment with both her friend’s feet off the ground. It was in a particularly pretty frame which I admired, too.
A couple of weeks later Merle came over to my house for dinner. She handed me some photos and a frame. Some of the photos were from her son’s recent Bar Mitzvah celebration. She explained to me that I should read the message on the back of the one photo as her daughter had specifically sent this for me, with a frame like the one I had admired along with the pic of her friend.
I read the message on the back of the photo before actually looking at the shot.
I received the resume and responded to the wife explaining to her that I was about to leave for a week’s vacation in South Africa and immediately on my return I was going in for knee surgery. I told her that once I was back on my feet, I would get in contact as we should meet. She replied to me saying that she was in fact also going “home” to South Africa as she too was undergoing knee surgery. Hers was more complicated than mine and as they were so new to the UK, it would be easier for her to recuperate in South Africa where her family could assist with taking care of her baby son. We went on to exchange one or two more emails but never got around to meeting.
Some months later I was invited to a mutual friend of mine and Paula’s for tea one Saturday afternoon. I have mentioned before that Paula was like my publicist in London. All the friends I made there I met through her. While standing in the kitchen chatting to some of the other women there, I got speaking to Lauren. After a short while, I realized that this was the person I had exchanged emails with those many months ago. Once we established who each of us were, discussed our knee surgery experiences and sat down to tea, the connection was instant. We exchanged phone numbers and promised to speak to each other soon.
The Monday following the tea party I called her and in the good humor that we share, I told her that I know it sounded insane, but I was so excited about having met her, that I felt like I wanted to date her! She agreed. We laughed and spoke, and the rest as they say, is history.
It was just about a year later that we left the UK for the States. By the time we departed, Lauren and I had gone on to secure a wonderful friendship even though it had only been for a year. We went back to London after a year in the States for a short visit, and that was the last time we saw each other. In spite of the time and distance, our friendship has continued to grow. Our contact has gone in phases. Sometimes weeks can go by and we don’t speak to each other or exchange an email. It doesn’t matter. Whenever we do speak or email, we carry on where we left off as if no time has passed.
When we left London, Lauren and I made a pact. I do not recall how this came to be or why other than out of our mutual love for the Beatles, particularly John Lennon. The pact we made was that I would not visit Strawberry Fields without her.
The news of her visit came as a complete surprise about three months ago. Unbeknown to me, she had been texting with DDTF to try and plan the arrival as a complete surprise to me. They decided it would be easier if I knew about it. This did not detract from the surprise. I was overjoyed to learn that Lauren her husband, Craig and the now three kids, would all be visiting in August.
I mentioned this to another friend of mine here when visiting for dinner one night. When we got to my friend Merle’s house, I noticed a photograph her daughter had taken of a friend of hers. She had taken this picture of her friend on the beach and was now giving it to her as a gift. It was a great shot of her friend jumping in the air and she timed it so that she captured the moment with both her friend’s feet off the ground. It was in a particularly pretty frame which I admired, too.
A couple of weeks later Merle came over to my house for dinner. She handed me some photos and a frame. Some of the photos were from her son’s recent Bar Mitzvah celebration. She explained to me that I should read the message on the back of the one photo as her daughter had specifically sent this for me, with a frame like the one I had admired along with the pic of her friend.
I read the message on the back of the photo before actually looking at the shot.
“Hope you like this photo I took in NYC –
heard you’re a fan of peace as well. :) xoxo Lara B.”
I turned the pic over and when I realized what it was, I got cold shivers and tears in my eyes. Merle told me she had reacted in a similar way because she had not ever told her daughter about the pact I had with Lauren. I had shared this with Merle because I said to her that it had always been difficult for me to turn down many invitations and opportunities to go to Central Park for the nearly eight years we have been living here.
I have not ever been to Central Park because I knew that if I did go, I would not be able to restrain myself from going to Strawberry Fields. The most difficult time was when the Gates exhibition was in the park as I had really wanted to see it.
Getting the photo from Lara B. without her knowledge of this story in my life, so soon after learning that Lauren was coming to visit was remarkable. It was a prelude to what I expect is going to be a wonderful reunion that is scheduled to stat in about four hours from now.
On August 31st, our family celebrates its 8th year of living in the USA. I expect we might crack a bottle of Champagne and eat some strawberries in Central Park a few days ahead of the 31st as Lauren leaves before that.
There is something very rewarding about giving someone your word and then keeping it. It takes a moment and turns it into something you will remember for ever. I can’t think of a better way of honoring my friend than of having kept our pact.
I have not ever been to Central Park because I knew that if I did go, I would not be able to restrain myself from going to Strawberry Fields. The most difficult time was when the Gates exhibition was in the park as I had really wanted to see it.
Getting the photo from Lara B. without her knowledge of this story in my life, so soon after learning that Lauren was coming to visit was remarkable. It was a prelude to what I expect is going to be a wonderful reunion that is scheduled to stat in about four hours from now.
On August 31st, our family celebrates its 8th year of living in the USA. I expect we might crack a bottle of Champagne and eat some strawberries in Central Park a few days ahead of the 31st as Lauren leaves before that.
There is something very rewarding about giving someone your word and then keeping it. It takes a moment and turns it into something you will remember for ever. I can’t think of a better way of honoring my friend than of having kept our pact.
Thanks, Lara B!
Monday, May 25, 2009
MEMORIAL ...
Today is Memorial Day in the U.S.A.
As I watch my mother weave her way through the days that pass bringing her closer to her transition from this world, I often fear what it will be like to weave my way through the world once that all empowering silver cord, my connection to the universe, has been cut.
When my grandmother passed away, my mom observed some Jewish mourning observances. One was to not go to movies for a year. She did however continue to listen to the radio. I know that she would not want anyone to stop the music as an observance of her passing.
After having spent the day with my mom today, I was sent this video clip in an email and it made me think that as scary as things get at times, it’s all cool. Life is colorful, and bright and to be celebrated, and somehow I know it is all going to be ok.
visit www.playingforchange.com
When my grandmother passed away, my mom observed some Jewish mourning observances. One was to not go to movies for a year. She did however continue to listen to the radio. I know that she would not want anyone to stop the music as an observance of her passing.
After having spent the day with my mom today, I was sent this video clip in an email and it made me think that as scary as things get at times, it’s all cool. Life is colorful, and bright and to be celebrated, and somehow I know it is all going to be ok.
visit www.playingforchange.com
Those viewing from South Africa, be sure to watch through to the very end.
Sunday, March 08, 2009
FIXED ...
One of the hardest roles in my life has been that of step mother. My relationship with my step son, David tried and tested every single layer of who I am and the things I believe in. It is no secret to those who know us personally, and those who have come to have an awareness of our family through my blog, that there were many very unhappy years that at times had me in a very dark place.
As my 49th birthday approaches later this month, I decided to share this story now as I have wanted to since my last birthday on March 28th, 2008.
David had moved out of the house about a year prior. DDTF, Ross and I were going away on our vacation in May and I was relieved that when we returned, I would have a shot at enjoying a more peaceful situation within the confines of my home.
Within a few months of David moving out, there was a noticeable shift in our relationship. When he visited the house, which he did frequently, he would actually greet me and spend substantial time talking with me. We would engage in meaningful conversations and I realized I often felt uplifted after he had stopped by.
As much as things were looking good, I still felt the need to proceed with caution. My thoughts and feelings as time went on and the relationship grew bordered on feeling like it was too good to be true. I had to consciously prevent myself from putting out those kinds of thoughts because I wanted this to be good. I needed to support the change, and be the change as we moved in the direction of everything I had always wished for.
As my 49th birthday approaches later this month, I decided to share this story now as I have wanted to since my last birthday on March 28th, 2008.
David had moved out of the house about a year prior. DDTF, Ross and I were going away on our vacation in May and I was relieved that when we returned, I would have a shot at enjoying a more peaceful situation within the confines of my home.
Within a few months of David moving out, there was a noticeable shift in our relationship. When he visited the house, which he did frequently, he would actually greet me and spend substantial time talking with me. We would engage in meaningful conversations and I realized I often felt uplifted after he had stopped by.
As much as things were looking good, I still felt the need to proceed with caution. My thoughts and feelings as time went on and the relationship grew bordered on feeling like it was too good to be true. I had to consciously prevent myself from putting out those kinds of thoughts because I wanted this to be good. I needed to support the change, and be the change as we moved in the direction of everything I had always wished for.
On my birthday last year, David stopped by and handed me an envelope. He was rushing out but explained he had wanted to come by to wish me happy birthday so it wasn’t inappropriate for me to have set the envelope aside because he was soon out the door. Much later that evening I went to get the envelope. I was surprised by this gesture before even reading the card. There had been many birthdays of mine that he had totally ignored. This had never offended me because I respected him for his honesty. Based on the quality of our relationship over those years, what was he to do? Go out and get a card that would say how much he disliked me and how unpleasant it was to be growing up with me and that either way he really didn’t give a shit that it was my birthday. As young as he was, he stood his ground and I never held that against him. I felt it showed strength of character to stand in his truth so boldly.
With a sense of nervous anticipation I opened the card. I read it very slowly to be sure I took in every word. The beautiful message in the card was one that any mother would have been thrilled to receive. It brought tears to my eyes and I felt deeply and intensely touched by this display of emotion from David.
Knowing that he was out I sent him a text message thanking him and telling him how long I had waited for something like this, and that it had been well worth the wait. Two days later he came over for dinner.
While at the table I opened up to him and told him about a conversation that had taken place between me and his sister Alexandra, during a family therapy session a few months earlier. In that session I told her that I had reached a point where I no longer needed her or her brother’s agreement to validate my feelings about the kind of step parent I had been. I told her that while there are probably many things I could have done differently, I know that I had always done my best by them. I had always done the best I knew how to do.
With a sense of nervous anticipation I opened the card. I read it very slowly to be sure I took in every word. The beautiful message in the card was one that any mother would have been thrilled to receive. It brought tears to my eyes and I felt deeply and intensely touched by this display of emotion from David.
Knowing that he was out I sent him a text message thanking him and telling him how long I had waited for something like this, and that it had been well worth the wait. Two days later he came over for dinner.
While at the table I opened up to him and told him about a conversation that had taken place between me and his sister Alexandra, during a family therapy session a few months earlier. In that session I told her that I had reached a point where I no longer needed her or her brother’s agreement to validate my feelings about the kind of step parent I had been. I told her that while there are probably many things I could have done differently, I know that I had always done my best by them. I had always done the best I knew how to do.
I explained that my wishes for Ross were exactly the same as my wishes for her and for David. I had never and would never want more out of life for Ross than for them. I told Alex that I hoped that one day she and David would reach a point where they would feel in their hearts that they could have done a lot worse in the step mother they got. I made it very clear that this wish of mine was not for my own satisfaction, because I do know they could have done a lot worse. I felt that if they reached a point where they could acknowledge this – I would be happy for THEM because this would reflect a shift in their lives. It would reflect that they had worked through stuff that would allow them to discard the baggage they carry about me – and that would make me very happy for them. I wanted them to get to that place in their lives for their own peace and contentment and not as an ego stroke for me.
By the time I got to this point in the conversation with David, I was crying because it was such a relief to be able to speak openly and show my vulnerabilities to him. For many years it felt like I had to have strength to protect myself and to stay committed in a relationship that I had so often just wanted to walk away from.
I went on to ask him if he had personally chosen that card or if his girlfriend had perhaps picked it up for him. My only reason for asking this was because if I knew he had chosen it, I would have been totally assured that he had reached that place within himself that I had wished for him to find.
He was not offended by the question and said that he had chosen the card and when he saw it he felt it was a very accurate expression of how he felt.
I thanked him again and told him how much I appreciated it and how much it meant to me.
An interesting thought comes to mind as I write this. There were many times when I would vent to my own mother on the phone about how I was struggling. I also used to vent by means of chat to my cousin on line in South Africa. They were always great listeners because they never offered advice, they just listened. The only thing my Mom would always say was, “Be patient. I promise you, one day you and Daniel will have a lot of pleasure from this boy.” My cousin simply said, “One day, one day he will hear your voice.”
I feel heard. I feel a sense of pride for what he has achieved.
By the time I got to this point in the conversation with David, I was crying because it was such a relief to be able to speak openly and show my vulnerabilities to him. For many years it felt like I had to have strength to protect myself and to stay committed in a relationship that I had so often just wanted to walk away from.
I went on to ask him if he had personally chosen that card or if his girlfriend had perhaps picked it up for him. My only reason for asking this was because if I knew he had chosen it, I would have been totally assured that he had reached that place within himself that I had wished for him to find.
He was not offended by the question and said that he had chosen the card and when he saw it he felt it was a very accurate expression of how he felt.
I thanked him again and told him how much I appreciated it and how much it meant to me.
An interesting thought comes to mind as I write this. There were many times when I would vent to my own mother on the phone about how I was struggling. I also used to vent by means of chat to my cousin on line in South Africa. They were always great listeners because they never offered advice, they just listened. The only thing my Mom would always say was, “Be patient. I promise you, one day you and Daniel will have a lot of pleasure from this boy.” My cousin simply said, “One day, one day he will hear your voice.”
I feel heard. I feel a sense of pride for what he has achieved.
It feels good. I feel like David and I are the poster people for step parent/child relationships.
They can be healed.
more pics here
Monday, February 09, 2009
BRITS ...
Thursday, January 29, 2009
DDTF ...
On Saturday DDTF will celebrate his 47th birthday. As we do every year, we will celebrate with friends and family at our Super Bowl party.
Last year DDTF and I agreed that we would exchange low-key birthday gifts and save the big one for each of our 50th birthdays. Mine comes up next year. I can’t imagine what DDTF will come up with because at Chanukah he set the bar so high, he really outdid himself. I wasn’t expecting a gift as we usually only give our children gifts at this time of the year. Needless to say, when I walked into my office and found this beauty perched on my chair, I was speechless.
Last year DDTF and I agreed that we would exchange low-key birthday gifts and save the big one for each of our 50th birthdays. Mine comes up next year. I can’t imagine what DDTF will come up with because at Chanukah he set the bar so high, he really outdid himself. I wasn’t expecting a gift as we usually only give our children gifts at this time of the year. Needless to say, when I walked into my office and found this beauty perched on my chair, I was speechless.
When I could finally articulate, I have to admit it was less than ladylike, but that’s just how it happened. “_ _ _ K ME!” is what I exclaimed and then I burst into tears. I was so deeply touched that he had gone to the trouble of finding this. There was so much kindness in the way he told me how much I deserved it based on the difficult months I had come through at that time. The fact that he had wanted to do something extra special for me and carried it through made me feel extremely special.
Although the lyrics speak of not being able to get any satisfaction, the irony is that every time I look up at this picture, I experience the exact opposite. I am reminded of just how satisfaction I get from being in this relationship and what a great time I have being married to DDTF.
Click here to see what was at our back door during the course of today - the prettier side of a snow storm.
Although the lyrics speak of not being able to get any satisfaction, the irony is that every time I look up at this picture, I experience the exact opposite. I am reminded of just how satisfaction I get from being in this relationship and what a great time I have being married to DDTF.
Click here to see what was at our back door during the course of today - the prettier side of a snow storm.
reminder: to silence the celine soundtrack, scroll down to the slide show and click on the sound icon in the top, left corner to mute it.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
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