Wednesday, June 23, 2004


I went to bed last night having written this, and not feeling sure if I wanted to post it. I left it on my screen. When I sat down at my desk today, without thinking about it, I decided to press Enter.

It is 1am on Wednesday morning. Daniel is in Chicago, the two older children are sleeping out at friends, and Ross is asleep in Daniel’s bed. In an attempt to avoid going to the kitchen and demolishing an entire loaf of toast with thick butter, then layered with peanut butter, I have decided to do something constructive, rather than destructive.

I have been having a very challenging few days. While I agree that parenting is one of the most difficult jobs in the world, from the perspective of no advance training being available, no “HOW TO” manual to refer to, nothing other than your truth and instinct to go on, there really is something just as hard, if not harder. That would be STEP PARENTING. I have been a hands-on stepparent for five years. In the last three days I have realized that this is truly the manifestation of the “between a rock and a hard place” concept. Try as I have, I surrender – I am unable to find the happy medium, the even keel, the middle of the road. I think what is important, as in any other situation, is to be honest to oneself. If I feel I have done the best I can, there is no more I can do. My stepchildren have taught me many things and I am sure will continue to. I have learnt a lot about life through my relationship with them, and on some levels, my lack of relationship with them. They are my husband’s children and I love him totally, therefore they form part of that love. I can only wait and see, as I am sure I will do with my natural child, that they will one day come to realize that everything was only ever done with their happiness, success and safety in mind.

In the silence of the night, surrounded by the darkness, which is truly how I have been feeling the last few days, I read this. I thank two Jen’s as I shift my thinking to focus on my blessings and the miracles in my life. Thank you to Jen Gray and thank you to my cousin Jen for letting me fume on Yahoo Messenger at this time of the morning. South Africa is a long way from where I sit, so the time difference is in my favor. While I know it is not how you might have intended to start your day cousin Jen, for me, you were in the perfect place at the perfect time and were the perfect listener. My legal beagle in Toronto, thank you to you too!

To Jen Gray, thank you for making me see that ~

I have the husband I always wished for.
I have a sister who would do anything for me.
I have a child who understands me.
I have my mother as a role model.
I have lived on a houseboat in Amsterdam, Holland.
I have seen the Rolling Stones live, twice!
I make lifelong friends wherever I go.

Before I close this, I want to send love out to this Mommy!