Tuesday, January 03, 2006


Over the 2004/5 holidays, we visited Tammy and her family on Long Island. A friend of hers had given her a most beautiful scarf. She had knitted it herself, wrapped a gorgeous bow around it, and it made for a most beautiful, hand-made gift.

I was motivated by this and set myself an intention to produce a scarf by December 2005. I couldn’t decide if it would be for myself, or if I too would give it to someone as a gift. I would wait until I was finished it to make that decision.

Guess what? December 2005 arrived, and I couldn’t even find the bag with the few rows of knitting I had worked on. As the month approached I found myself feeling more and more pissed off about not having completed the scarf.

What upset me more than not actually producing it was the obvious message behind it. I was shocked that in the space of one year, I had not made it a priority to do this one thing for myself. I really had wanted to create this scarf. This destined-not-to-be-scarf has given me so much to think about over the last few weeks. The fact that my intention never manifested made me look at how much time I spend on bullshit things. I have stressed about things I couldn’t have changed, in spite of my deep desire to change them. It made me look at how, in spite of my intention NOT to dwell on the crap my step children manifest in my life, I had. If I think of the time I spent trying to make things better between the three of us, and getting naught but shit in return. I wish I had rather used that time to knit my scarf.

I have also thought about how many different people I would have loved to have given the scarf to as a gift. This made me realize that the destined-not-to-be-scarf was a gift I most certainly should have given to myself. On stopping to examine what I had done from December 2004 to December 2005, purely for myself – I was shocked. There was very little I had done for me outside of trying to keep myself alive from one bout of coughing to another. And then I cast my mind back just a little further than December 2004, and I remembered the conversation I'd had with Dr John Bach in October of 2004. We were discussing my coming to terms with using the BI PAP machine when I sleep.

“It’s simple, Dawn,” he said. “Do you want to live or die?”
“To live.” I said, “No question about it.”

I remember how totally 100% clear I was that I wanted to live.

With that same clarity I commit to starting a new scarf this month. I have made a note on my desk calendar, that on December 3rd, 2006 I am to post a pic on this blog of my destined-to-be-2006-scarf. I give myself the gift of at least a minimum of one hour per week to dedicate completely and utterly to myself. I am certain I can produce a scarf in 52 hours and I want to give myself those 52 hours - possibly even more than the scarf!

Do you have a 2006 scarf story?

pic: the ever brave and always knitting
jen gray