Sunday, October 07, 2007

REST ...

My father in law passed away peacefully on Saturday night.

When I realized a few weeks back that I was not going to see him again in person before he passed, I emailed this letter to my in law siblings who were visiting at the time. I asked them to please either give it to Brian to read, or if necessary to ensure it was read to him.

Dear Brian,
I am sending this letter to you because it is very important to me that you are aware of the things I want to say in it.
It is important to me that you know how much of an honor and a blessing I consider it to have been a member of this family for the last fourteen years. You have raised an exemplary son and nothing makes me prouder than to call myself his wife.
It is important to me that you have given yourself credit for having raised such a special being.
It is important to me that you know that our son will continue to be raised in the tradition of where he comes from and that we know you hold so dear in your heart. Please G-d he will mature into a mench that you will always be able to be proud of.
It is important to me that you know I wish you love and peace.
G-d Bless you, Brian.
Brian and Beryl were married on June 5th, 1960.
I was born on March 28th, 1960.
They were happily married for my entire life.
I think that is so amazing.

We shared very happy times when they visited us while we were living in Holland.
(We had just gotten Pingy whom you can see peering over the top of my coat!)




Monday, October 01, 2007

FKCU ...

This might seem like an unlikely piece to post after a long break and not the most cheerful of posts at the time of taking the break.

I feel so overwhelmed by the events of these last weeks since September 5th that I need to still process them just a little further before I can share what’s been going on, if at all.

September 2007 will rank as big lesson month for me. I now know this: - fear is both crippling and isolating. I have been through intense fear these last weeks. I don’t like feeling stuck and I don’t like feeling isolated. It has passed and I am again feeling able and re-connected.

One of my favorite new shows on TV this season is CALIFORNICATION. I am a big fan of David Duchovny and I am enjoying Madeleine Martin who plays his 14 year old daughter. The story line is not a new one - but the characters are very now. Madeleine plays the daughter of never married parents who have now split up and Mom is going to marry someone else. Dad and daughter love each other and circumstances in Dad’s life lead to him letting her down in spite of his deep wish to not ever do so.

Sitting on the edge of her bed one night after having to leave a social engagement where both parents were involved, she extended the following response to his apology for letting her down even though he hadn’t wanted to:

“You never mean to let me down, but you do. It’s all well and good to talk about happy endings but if a person can’t deliver, if he keeps screwing up, eventually I guess you just kind of have to say fuck you or words to that effect.”

I found this so profound and what struck me was her bravery to lay it on the line and tell him exactly how she felt. It took courage because she knew well enough that it would hurt him deeply.

So many things from my life flashed through my memory and I thought about how much hurt I could really have spared myself in the past had I been courageous enough to lay it on the line like that.

It is true - the truth, and only the truth will set you free.

Peace out!